im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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