final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
