I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
