We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
