dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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