Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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