had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
