I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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