When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
