It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
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Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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