You can't special order awesome
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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