I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
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