Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.