Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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