I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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