he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
