Your mouth is God's brothel.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
