my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Panties = found
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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