Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
