I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
