I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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