You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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