Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
