You were right. It hurts to walk today.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
