I need to stop coming to work sober
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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