This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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