a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
