Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
