I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
