Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize