College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
a search helicopter?!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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