The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
