i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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