I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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