Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
