there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
