Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Randomize
