ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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