haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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