By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
