well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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