Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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