he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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