Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
