just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
