Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just want to make out with him forever
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
