how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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