I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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