you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
