We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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