you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
