there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
