Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
