Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
