TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
