i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
