Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
